February 7th, 1998
I should remind myself to go back and read my journals from my first days at YM and Fitness just to reinforce that I always have paralyzing fears when I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
Today I fluctuated between victory (Bonnie liked my sugar addict story! Isabel and I chatted in the elevator!) and defeat (Bonnie hated my career-boosting rumor story. Jane snubbed me in the elevator.) I have a feeling that this is how it’s always going to be here–which is why I honestly can’t see myself here for too long.
Although I did catch glimpses of a more self-assured Megan at Cosmo today and I liked what I saw. Sort of. Still, I’m a long way from intuitively knowing what Bonnie wants, which is the one and only goal here. I’m writing a lot, which is good. But when I think about what I’m writing…
I’m terribly boring right now. Ugh. I can hardly stand myself. It’s weird when I see my name among the new editors listed in the New York Times and Media Week. I realized how much bigger this job is. I work for the most popular women’s service magazine in the world. THIS IS WEIRD TO ME.
I still think David Sedaris has the coolest job ever.
