August 9th, 1987
G DID call and I spent the entire night in his arms. Whenever we were on the dance floor everyone stopped and stared and wondered out loud, “Who is that gorgeous creature?” Of course, I was only loyal to him. And later that evening, underneath the stars and the most marvelous blue moon, he pressed his body against mine and kissed me tenderly on the lips as in all my dreams. He pulled me even closer and whispered these delicious words:
I MADE THIS ALL UP, PUDWHACKER!
He didn’t call. I wasn’t in his arms. And he definitely didn’t kiss me tenderly on the lips.
The closest I got was seeing Peter Marshall kiss Florence Henderson onstage at the Mrs. America Pagent–which, in my unbiased opinion was unfair because the winner was a 24-year-old childless blonde only married for one friggen year who had been rejected for the Miss America pagent six times because her only talent was singing “Jimmy Crack Corn” with a brief tambourine solo in between verses.
Back to Mr. No Call. I don’t care. Okay. It would have been nice if he had called. (Who am I kidding? You would have had to scrape me off the ceiling with a spatula.) But I really never expected him to. I’ve learned not to expect anything from anyone.
Grow up Neil Diamond, okay? Sure, Cousin Brucie plays your songs but he’s even older than you are. You’ll never match the pinncacle of success you had with that stupid song from E.T. So why don’t you just settle down and get a job as a bagger at the A & P?
That’s the kind of mood I’m in.
LIke if TJ weren’t in Myrtle Beach right now, I’d probably be ranking on River Phoenix and the hippie songs he writes. Sure, he’s HOT and everything, but he could find the strife in a bowl of mashed potatoes, you know? I couldn’t handle that all the time. Maybe I’d just have an extremely hot, passionate love affair with him but I think that would be it. Our personalities would clash.
“All You Need is Love” is on right now. I think that even though the Beatles were all stoned out of their minds when they recorded this, they knew what they were talking about. Groovy, man.
They’re playing old songs like they always do on Sundays. I mention this because I didn’t want you to think I was actually listening to Neil Diamond earlier.
“Stand By Me” was on a couple of songs back before “Peggy Sue” and after “Help Me Rhonda” (I hate Peggy Sue and Rhonda for being the types of girls that inspire songs.) Stand By Me inspired me to write. That and boredom.
You know, they just don’t make tambourine players like they used to. Davey Jones. That girl in the Partridge Family. You know.
River was in Stand By Me and even though he played a 12 year old he looked G-O-O-O-O-O-D. I asked the people at Captain Videos if I could have the promo posters for Stand By Me, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink when they were done with them.
They said they’d call.
Where have I heard that before? I just can’t place it…
M.
